Microsoft Azure has some brilliant features: App Services, Web Apps, Azure Functions, Service Fabric. But we can't all use Azure (or AWS, or whatever Google are calling their cloud this week), and if we can, the higher-level features come with a higher-level price. In this talk, I'll show you how to create your own quick-and-dirty cloud using off-the-shelf open-source software and a few simple scripts, to run in your on-premises rack or any hosting or cloud provider. All the scripts and custom code in the talk will be MIT licensed and available to download from GitHub, so you can grab it and use it right away.