Ladies and gentlemen, don't miss this public bludgeoning of the microservices horse for its sweet hypeglue! We will survey the complex and often contradictory landscape of microservices, explain the numerous and byzantine ways that they will ruin your day, and propose partial and underspecified solutions with Go kit, a toolkit for microservices in Go. Attendees will observe the practical application of SOLID software engineering principles, and may become sufficiently jaded to seriously consider a career change. I hear carpentry is meditative.